this week i decided to start taking my meds again. which, objectively, is a good step in my mental health journey. subjectively? i did it in the dumbest way possible.

i take 200mg of zoloft. i had stopped taking it for a while (classic “i’m fine actually” behavior) and instead of talking to my psychiatrist like a responsible adult, i just… started again. at my full dose. cold turkey back in. do not do that.

when i tell you the nausea was unreal, i mean unreal. my stomach felt like it was trying to eject itself from my body. on december 22 i didn’t eat anything at all because even the thought of food made me feel sick. not “oh i feel a little off,” but “if i move too fast i might throw up.”

yesterday my stomach finally felt okay enough to eat, but my brain feels like mashed potatoes. i feel slow. my thoughts are slow. my body feels heavy. everything takes effort. and the depression hit like a ton of bricks.

which is almost funny, because i've been in denial about being depressed while sleeping 14+ hours a day and struggling to wake up. at some point you have to laugh at yourself a little.

so yeah. if you're on zoloft (or any ssri), stop taking it, and then decide to start again like i did: talk to a doctor first. restarting at a high dose can absolutely wreck your stomach and mess with your head. titration exists for a reason. i learned that the hard way.

i don't regret getting back on my meds. i do regret doing it alone and pretending it would all be okay. lesson learned. next step is actually looping my doctor in instead of raw-dogging psych meds and acting surprised when my body revolts.

if you're going through something similar: you're not broken, you're not weak, and you're definitely not alone. but please! learn from my mistake and get guidance before restarting. your stomach (and brain) will thank you.