thursday
my daycare called me today and basically said i need to bring the kids in or they'll lose their spots (╥﹏╥) so my baby got forced off to daycare, my son is at headstart, and now i'm all alone. it's such a weird feeling to suddenly have actual quiet.
i'm trying to use the time for homework, which is good, but it still feels jarring. like i keep waiting to hear someone calling my name, or little footsteps, or some tiny chaos in the background. i'm grateful for the time, but also kind of like… who am i when it's this silent.
also am i the only one who completely sucks at small talk and dreads even the smallest social interactions? i blame living alone and being a recluse by nature, but lately i find myself tripping over my words and thinking what is wrong with me.
it's such a double edged sword. in isolation i feel comfortable, regulated, safe. but i still crave friendship and community. then reality hits and i know with my commitment issues and the way my life is structured, i probably can't sustain a high quality friendship the way i'd want to.
it makes me feel defective sometimes. i want closeness but also want to disappear.
in mesoamerican cosmology, owls move between worlds, between night and day, life and the underworld. in ecce homo paintings, christ stands between divinity and execution, innocence and condemnation. both images hold a being at the edge of transition, suspended in a threshold moment.
owls are silent observers of the dark, and in ecce homo the crowd watches christ's humiliation. together, these symbols reflect the idea of witnessing suffering without intervening, a quiet and knowing presence in the face of injustice.
in mexica belief, death linked to mictlantecuhtli is cyclical and not final, while in christian theology the suffering in ecce homo leads to resurrection. both traditions frame death not as pure doom, but as passage and transformation.
after colonization, owls became labeled as bad omens, and ecce homo imagery has often been reduced to simple tragedy. in both cases, complex symbols of endurance, revelation, and confrontation with truth were flattened into fear.
if you were raised to see owls as omens of doom and now connect them to ecce homo imagery, what you may be circling is the moment before change, the moment of exposure, the point where something must end so something else can begin. it is not just death energy, it is threshold energy.
i'll be honest, i get distracted. my mind jumps quickly. one thought splits into five, and sometimes i lose the original thread completely. it probably shows.
i don't really write for other people to read. this has become something quieter than that. a way to prove to myself that i can build something and keep tending to it. that i can return to an idea instead of abandoning it.
i don't know if my direction will land in ux, ui, frontend, or somewhere else entirely. i just know i'm drawn to creating experiences. shaping how something feels. how someone moves through it. whether that's happening here or not, i'm not sure.
maybe this is less about being seen and more about practicing being present. practicing staying. practicing letting things exist before they're fully defined.