friday
i hate how guilty procrastination makes me feel.
i chose to be a full time student. i say this is my priority. so when i stall or avoid, it feels like self sabotage.
but this college shit is hard. it's mentally demanding in a way that no one really prepares you for. and doing it while parenting and managing everything else in my life feels like running uphill with extra weight.
i'm frustrated with myself. but i'm also trying to remember i'm human and i feel like i can't? why can't i give myself some grace?
i didn't expect regret to creep in?! lol im so dramatic
it's just an app. literally brain rot scrolling. but i got used to the tiny interactions. commenting. liking. recognizing usernames. small moments of feeling seen in passing.
and now i'm gone. and they'll keep posting. and i'll fade out of their feed like i was never there. which is normal. that's how the internet works. so why does this lowkey feel weird ૮(˶ㅠ︿ㅠ)ა
why am i like this? why do i get attached to digital crumbs of connection and then feel embarrassed for caring?
i deactivate because i'm overwhelmed. then i spiral about deactivating. was that dramatic? was that pretentious? did anyone even notice? why do i care if they did? i kinda care if they don't even notice
i exhaust myself. i really do.
it's not even about the app. it's about wanting connection and then retreating the second it feels like too much.
why do i always do that.
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