i am tired of being angry

i'm angry all the fucking time.

and i don't mean angry in a dramatic way.

i mean, ANGRY, like in the way a kettle sits on a stove.

quiet at first.

just warm.

then hotter.

then hotter.

then eventually it's screaming.

that's what it feels like.

i wake up and i already feel like i'm halfway to boiling.

somebody cuts me off.

somebody says something stupid.

somebody leaves something where it doesn't belong.

somebody asks me for one more thing.

and suddenly i'm fighting demons over some dumb house chore not being done????

it's embarrassing.

because i know the chore not being done isn't the problem.

the chore has never been the problem.

the chore was simply unlucky enough to arrive at the end of a very long line.

what scares me isn't the anger itself.

it's how easy it is now.

how close it always feels.

like somebody moved the edge of the cliff closer overnight.

things that wouldn't have bothered me five years ago now feel unbearable.

sometimes i catch myself feeling irritated before anything has even happened.

i'll hear my phone go off and immediately think:

what now.

i'll hear somebody call my name and immediately think:

what do you need.

i hate that.

i hate how cynical it sounds.

i hate how cynical it feels.

because i don't want to be that person.

i don't want to be the woman who is permanently annoyed.

i don't want every interaction to feel like somebody taking a bite out of me.

but lately that's exactly what it feels like.

death by a thousand tiny tiny tiny fucking cuts.

nothing catastrophic.

nothing dramatic.

just enough little things to make me feel like i'm constantly spent.

and the worst part is that after a while the anger stops feeling hot.

it becomes background noise.

like a refrigerator humming in another room.

you stop noticing it because there's nothing to compare it to anymore.

it's just there.

under everything.

sometimes i catch myself wondering if this is just my personality now.

if this is what people experience when they experience me.

and i don't know which answer is fucking worse.